January 4, 2007 at 1:25 pm 20 comments

There really is no other title that I could think of to suit this post. For those who read my “1st xmas sans afamily” – well, the saga continued and has now ended.

Before I go into it, I want to give a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to my friends IRL – which to me means all of you. You are all part of my real life. Those who I get to see face to face and those who I only see a picture and read your words. I cannot express how wonderful it has been to have the support, encouragement, shoulders to cry on, and love that you all have given to me. Some of you were even able to make me laugh when all I felt like doing was cry. I’d honestly have to say I’m grateful. Yep, now I know what grateful feels like and I am, grateful, to all of you for helping me get through such a horrible day.

I heard from my parents yesterday in the form of a piece of mail. My husband got the mail and I hear him say “wow” – or maybe more of a “whoa” from downstairs in my office. He comes down and hands me an envelope and says “I didn’t expect this.” I’m sure at that moment we both thought it was a thank you card, probably something simple, non-emotional or maybe even guilt laden. I really wasn’t ready to deal with her guilt at that moment and made a comment about my day being ruined. Little did I know what I was about to deal with.

I opened the envelope and in it was a folder 8.5 x 11 piece of paper wrapped around the gift card I sent and the pictures of my son. Typed on the paper in bold letters were two words – NO THANKS.

I went numb. I cried. I went numb. I cried. I went back and fourth. Hubby hugged me. Part of me wanted him to leave so I could just break down and have an all out bawl.

We talked and talked for hours – trying to figure out how to handle it. He wanted to call them and give them a piece of his mind. I honestly think he was more pissed than me. I told him that doing that would only give them the opportunity to hurt me more. We still have not come to a conclusion on how to respond or if to respond.

Thing is, I kind of expected it. I thought they would send it back unopened with “return to sender” on the outside. That would not have surprised me. For them to accept an olive branch after they calliously ignored our birthdays? That is just too much for them. That would mean admitting that their daugther “did the right thing.” That would mean shallowing their pride. But the fact that they opened it, looked at the pictures of my sweet little innocent 17 month old son – their only grandson – and returned them is totally beyond my comprehension. And the cold and calculated maneuver of typing those two words instead of hand writing them – sheesh – I don’t even know how to process that.

What kind of person does this? What kind of person punishes a child, their only grandson, because they are mad at their daughter? It takes a cold heart in my opinion. And mad at me – for what? For sheepishly standing up for myself. For saying “hey mom, I love you, but could you please respect my ability to make good choices for my son and stop criticizing me?” Could you please offer me some support as I’m trying to recover from a c-section, handle a colicky baby, learn to breastfeed, and attempt to go back to work at my home office way to soon but out of necessity? Could you do that mom? Obviously not. She is not capable.

If she is not capable of that, if she is not capable of unconditional love and of putting her childs needs first – and her grandchilds – than why on earth did she adopt me in the first place. I am not a possession for her to control and manipulate – I am a human being with feelings – feelings that have constantly been ridiculed, mocked, ignored and beaten down.

Or maybe, as one of my favorite adoptees has suggested was the case with her – I was supposed to be a band-aid for her fertility problems and I just never lived up to that baby that died. A few years ago, during a political debate with her and discussing trial lawyers and the right of parents to sue doctors, she told me that if her doctor had not screwed up 30-some years ago she would have had a different child. That comment landed me in my therapists office the next day.

A dear sweet online adoptee who I greatly admire said “Stop handing them a loaded gun and saying, shoot me again.”

Well stick a fork in it mom – I’m done. I’m done with letting you hurt me. I’m done with listening to you make fun of me. I’m done with your self-centered behavior. I’m done with your bullying. I’m done with your manipulation. I’m done with your controlling habits. You crossed the line when you denied my son. It is your loss.

Today is a new day. I made it through the worst, with a lot of help, but today I move on. Today I learn to walk proud. Proud of the mother I am, proud of the person I am, proud of the friend I am to others. Today I start to heal.


Entry filed under: adoption, adoptive parents.

Mirror Mirror I’m Free

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. joy  |  January 4, 2007 at 6:58 pm


    Beasts, absolute beasts.

  • 2. kippa herring  |  January 4, 2007 at 7:43 pm

    That’s sheer unmitigated evil.
    I am SO mad for you. They don’t deserve.

  • 3. Justice  |  January 4, 2007 at 9:09 pm

    Such coldhearted behavior is frightful. YOU are definitely outgrowing them. Best of wishes for your new life.

  • 4. Suz  |  January 4, 2007 at 9:20 pm

    wow. no words. horrible. truly horrible. actually made me crying reading it.

  • 5. MaeDay  |  January 4, 2007 at 9:34 pm

    My goodness, how awful. I can’t imagine what they are thinking about to make them behave like this. So sorry….

    I’m happy you have your son and hubby…as for the absent , unaccepting gparents, it’s definitely their BIG loss.

  • 6. Susan  |  January 4, 2007 at 11:08 pm

    I really feel for you. They are obviously not mentally or emotionally stable people. But it doesn’t make it any less painful. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. And yes, you have a lot to be proud of. But still. It sucks; you are absolutely right.

  • 7. Wraith  |  January 4, 2007 at 11:20 pm

    This lady sounds like someone who never dealt with the issue of infertility. Your son is a reminder of that to her is my guess. Not an excuse by any means but while I know it hurts you, it’s her loss in the long run, you still have your son and she has pretty much given up on her daughter for no apparent cause that I have seen in reading here and other places.

    You should take the gift card and buy your son an extra present if you haven’t already.

    I wish a post-Christmas wish this would work out for you but unfortunately it looks like you may have done all you can and it is purely up to them.

  • 8. elizabeth  |  January 5, 2007 at 12:34 am

    I like that line about a loaded gun.

    I’m sorry you are going through this.

    And I’m another person whose is done; with ALL my so-called “parents”.

  • 9. addiepray  |  January 5, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    Yep, they still suck. I do hate these people.

  • 10. dory  |  January 5, 2007 at 8:02 pm

    Thanks everyone for your words of support and validation. I’ve got a long path to healing ahead of me but for the first time I actually feel like I’m on that path.

  • 11. Nina  |  January 5, 2007 at 10:00 pm

    Dory, Just catching up. Absolutely horrified! And you’re right. Not just cold…but cruel because it seemed so calculated. That it took extra effort to send such a nasty message. I’m so sorry. BUT…emotionally detaching from such TOXIC people is often necessary when we can’t change them or understand them.

  • 12. reunionwritings  |  January 11, 2007 at 8:54 am


    they miss out big time.

    it’s a primal pain, it’s in the body. heal through the body.

    I am really sorry you had this happen to you.

  • 13. Gwendolyn  |  January 19, 2007 at 4:32 am


    There are no words that I could possibly say that would be a balm or a salve for what you are going through. Why is it we have this innate need to reach to the ones who we have loved so dearly for so long (as child to parent) for that sense of rightness in the world even in the face of hurt returning and knowoing that no softness or embrace will come from them? It is that longing inside ourselves to be embraced completely and welcomed sincerely into the fold of the heart of our parents that motivates us. The fear might be that tucking this desire away, as you are learning to do through this experience, may lead one to close completely. Perhaps the gift of motherhood in your life will keep you from closing and hardening your heart and how serendipitous that you have your child now to embrace as you let go and distance from your mother. Children open our hearts bigger than the sky…and adult children do as well, but often it opens our own hurts and wounds which is clearly what is happening with your mother. There is no excuse however for foul behavior that is mean, painful, and downright poisonous. Perhaps this is the final message…to look into the heart of your family and the unique soul that you are for that inner longing of belonging to be satisfied. You have your family now and how tragic it is that your mother cannot move past her own pain to see you. She is limited in her role. It is like the alcoholic who, while actively drinking, will be dangerous and emotionally harmful to be around and it is a healthy boundary to stand away and disconnected from that person while they are active in their addiction. Your mother’s refusal to stand in her own pain and to force it on to you is wrong…and you no longer have to take it from her. You can give it back…you can literally say “Mother, I give you back all of your pain and I will not carry it anymore for you. I draw this line between you and I because I know that drawing from your well of feeling will only hurt me. In protection of myself, my child, and my family I take a step back so that the dance that you and I have created over the years has time to settle, shift, and have opportunity to become something else.” Stepping back and away allows for something new to develop and a time for you to heal inside and to give all of your love and tenderness to those who deserve it, want it, need it and that is your child and your husband. You are a treasure…you no longer need to crawl on your knees repenting…you have a right to be here and a right to claim yourself and your place in the world in a way that heals, soothes, and welcomes you.

  • 14. Beth  |  February 6, 2007 at 12:33 am

    I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened. My a-dad has been a big fat jerk to me since I was about 17. Making fun of me, ignoring me whatnot. I could handle it to but then he started in on my kids once they were born and that wa sit for me. I am still cordial. But we will never visit him again. I will never subject my children to his cruelty. Mess with me, fine. Mess with my kids and you’re in for a world of hurt.
    I’m so sorry your a-parents are treating you this way. you deserve better.

  • 15. Manuela  |  June 5, 2007 at 10:34 pm

    Applauding you… loudly.

    Brava! Brava!

  • 16. mayzie  |  June 28, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    I know this won’t make you feel any better, but I feel like I could have written that post – word for word. Something way too similar happened to me right after my son was born four years ago. Why can’t they just accept we are not theirs and love us for who we are?

  • 17. Suzanne  |  November 7, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    I am so sorry that your mother is like that. I am so sorry that you have had to experience these things.

    I found your blog through a key word search on google. “emotionally harmful” parents “adult children”. I’m going through something similar with my parents. We’re getting married in January, and since last January I have cut my parents out of my life. They’ve always treated me like I’m not important. They’ve always mocked and disregarded my feelings. They are self centered narcissists who treat their two adult children like objects to be controlled and disgarded. It’s devastating. And I don’t put up with it anymore. I’m so glad for you that you don’t either. You are wonderful, and if they don’t value you it’s their loss.

  • 18. Albert Gamboa  |  June 13, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    Stories like this make me cringe. I mysel am an adoptee. And as of August 2005 My wife and I adopted a beautiful liitle girl. As to your story, there has to be something really bad happen on their side to set them off. It really sounds like a third party should analyze the situation in order to come to a peaceful solution. A therapist or a Christian councelor. Please give it another try….believe me, your childs young years will pass by and before you and your parents realize it, your child will be grown. I realize you have tried everything, but keep trying, not for you or your husband, and not for your parents but for your child. He will see in the long run as a good character trait that you have put forward.
    I realize it will be a long and daunting task but realize it will pay off in the long run. Your child will see you and your husband as the “bigger” people who wouldnt give up. Hopefully this message I am sending did not get to you too late.

  • 19. dorygirl  |  June 14, 2008 at 11:49 am

    Albert – I appreciate your concern but my parents would rather go to their grave never speaking to me again then have a third party intervene. As for continuing to try for my children – I feel I am protecting my children by not continuing to try. How many times am I supposed to let my children be rejected? At some point, when someone is really toxic to your life you must let go of them – even if they are your parents.

    My children have family that loves them – they have a large extended family on my husbands side and they have their natural grandmother and grandfather on my side.

    I have no desire anymore to be the “bigger” person and let my sons deal with the same manipulative controlling abusive people I had to deal with for 38 years.

  • 20. M. (sorry, my first name is unique so for confidentiality reasons I have to keep it hidden!)  |  October 14, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this story. I have tears in my eyes after reading it. I am also adopted, and have also had horrible experiences throughout the years with my adoptive parents. We have a truce now, I suppose, but it feels fake and ridiculous, and I know the ongoing act is damaging to me. Anyway, just wanted to thank you — it really helps to know there are others in this world having similar experiences. (P.S. I also have a gorgeous little child, a two-year-old daughter, and the one thing I find positive about the crap life provided by my a-parents is the profound knowledge of what NOT to do with my beautiful girl!!!)


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