I’m Free

January 7, 2007 at 5:52 pm 14 comments

About a year ago I sent a post in response to someone who had lived with an abusive parent and that parent had recently died. I can’t remember if I sent it to her privately or to the whole list I belonged to. More than likely, privately. My question was, to me, so utterly taboo that I felt like the lowest creature on the planet for even asking it. Basically it was:

Upon the death of your mother did you feel a great loss or did you finally feel free?

I’ve known all my life to never butt heads with my mother, never tell her she’s wrong, never tell her she’s hurt me, never try to communicate issues because they will always be perceived as me calling her a horrible mother and never EVER EVER talk about adoption. I’ve had to walk on eggshells in silence my whole life.

When I found my birthfamily I can’t even begin to describe the fear that entered me on the thought of having to tell my mother. I KNEW I would be disowned. It was not something that might happen, it was something that would happen. So I never told them and I lived a double life that I hated. I knew at some point the truth would have to come out. My son has a relationship with his grandparents and when he would be old enough to understand everything I could not expect him to lie for me and pretend these people do not exist. Secrets and lies in adoption destroy everyone who participates in them.

My husband used to tell me that I should tell them for my own needs – to be truthful with myself and for myself. But I knew what would happen. I knew. He didn’t know and he didn’t believe me. But I knew.

And now, with everything that has happened, from something far less monumental as finding long lost family – he believes me. He knows now that I do know my parents and how they would react.

They chose, by their actions to my xmas present, to cut me out of their lives. They may still be alive but I have been freed.

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MY APARENTS SUCK 1st Support Group Meeting

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. joy21  |  January 7, 2007 at 7:57 pm

    I wondered if there wouldn’t be some feeling of shooting the albatross in this. No more reason to feel grateful.

    Cool

    Reply
  • 2. JJJJJJJJJ  |  January 7, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    YAY!!! It’s cool that you saw this coming too, thinking ahead to your son’s inevitable awareness. It’s the reverse of the sins of the parents visiting the children.

    Reply
  • 3. thevoyage  |  January 8, 2007 at 12:21 am

    Hey, I just stumbled upon your blog. It sounds like you’ve been dealt a raw deal, but I think it’s good, um great, that you are rid of your aparents.
    Too bad you didn’t beat them to the punch. Sounds like you had every right to tell them to go screw off a long time ago.

    I don’t deal with the complexies of being an adoptee but I remember my father grabbing my throat and shaking me once over bs. When he croaked I damn near danced on his grave.

    I wish you a lot of luck in your new life without them.

    Reply
  • 4. elizabeth  |  January 8, 2007 at 2:59 am

    It’s great to be free. I always say if my mother were on fire I wouldn’t piss on her to put out the flames. I guess that isn’t too nice.

    Reply
  • 5. dory  |  January 8, 2007 at 1:40 pm

    Oh Elizabeth – you about made me spit my coffee out laughing so hard. Thanks!!!

    Reply
  • 6. harlowmonkey  |  January 8, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    What is it the great Janis Joplin said?

    Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

    Appropo, huh?

    Reply
  • 7. addiepray  |  January 8, 2007 at 6:58 pm

    Good for you Dory. You just plain don’t need that BS.

    Reply
  • 8. elizabeth  |  January 8, 2007 at 11:48 pm

    Glad I gave you a chuckle Dory. Sometimes you just have to laugh at all the shit, you know?

    Reply
  • 9. reunionwritings  |  January 9, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    Sound like Narcissists, it’s a hard word to spell and an even harder thing to live with when it’s your parents.

    Reply
  • 10. Nina  |  January 11, 2007 at 3:31 am

    Hey Dory,
    Happy freedom. I think it’s better “enjoyed” when they are still alive. My a-mom died and while I didn’t dance, I did not feel sad or much at all, just relief…and not just because I’d managed her Alzheimer’s care for years. Now my a-dad is my responsibility and it’s so overwhelming. I think I’ll feel relief, too. I no longer feel guilty for having these thoughts. Elizabeth’s comment cracked me up, too!

    Much peace comes from emotionally detaching from toxic parents..although it does take practice.

    Reply
  • 11. miassavinggrace  |  January 12, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    Good for you Dory! It’s inspirational. ;o)

    Reply
  • 12. momseekingpeace  |  January 14, 2007 at 7:09 am

    I’m glad you feel freed. ahhhhh deep breath!
    MSP

    Reply
  • 13. LeRoy Dissing  |  January 18, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    I agree with everyone’s sentiments Dory. Your aparents have a major personality disorder to be able to do what they did. In this case, I think you are free to free yourself from them. I am usually upbeat but there is a side of me that says: This might not be over. People like your aparents might slip quietly into the night and not bother you again. But, after awhile they might just try to make contact. I would keep the boundaries clear and probably closed.

    Reply
  • 14. Peggy  |  October 19, 2007 at 4:00 am

    My mother was mentally ill most of my life…sure we had good times and we had horrible times…she had two children that were not from her husband and I was one on them…I was the only girl….I was here only freind and I took more abuse both physically and mental abuse…She was a sick women…she died last month…she cant rein hell on me me anymor eand I am feeling ok…it’s been a process but i fell free. To bad my dad still thinks he needs to “honor” his mentally ill wife’s wishes…..to disown me…Its been horrible…She can not hurt me anymore! And he soesnt really matter to me at this point.

    Reply

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