The Date Is Set

May 23, 2007 will be the birthdate of my second son if all goes as planned. Meaning if I don’t go into labor prior to that. Please please please don’t go into labor. It sucks that I have to pick my sons birthday and have a c-section but due to a prior extensive surgery I am at high risk for uterine rupture so this baby, just like my 1st baby, will be born through a hole in my stomach three weeks early. The doctor actually wanted to go four weeks early this time and I said NO. Three weeks was hard enough on my last little guy – his sucking reflex wasn’t there yet and breastfeeding was a nightmare. But with perseverance and two months working at it we finally got it down. I hope it goes better this time around. For some reason I actually feel positive about it which is an unusual feeling for me to have.

However, I just don’t feel “ready” yet. I’m nervous and a little scared. Having a toddler who keeps me very busy and exhausted makes me wonder how on earth we will adjust. How will my son adjust? I worry about him feeling like he’s not getting his quality mommy time. I worry about the sleepless nights. I don’t do well on no sleep. Last time around I had a few meltdowns where I turned into some crazy person that I didn’t recognize.

Ironic that it took us 8 years to conceive E and this new little guy came along as a complete surprise. We were actually in complete disbelief, scratching our heads trying to figure out how it happened – I said my toddler keeps me busy and exhausted. Eight long years of tears and frustration, eight long years of this adoptee yearning for some biological connection. E happened after we put trying (and the thought of adoption) on hold to search for my first family. E happened right after I met my first mother – no trying, no timing and a picture perfect pregnancy. To me it’s just so obvious that something was healed immediately, something that allowed my genes a future now that I found my genes of the past. And now, this second time around, with it happening so effortlessly, especially at my *cough cough* advanced age and prior history of infertility just assures me yet again that finding my roots allowed me to finally breathe.